Dear Mama,

I’m not completely sure but I think I’m gay!! Why else would I want my best friend Todd to sleep over……with me…..in my bed? Is it possible to play “towel snap” naked after a shower with another boy and not be gay? I pluck my eyebrows and groom myself more than my cat…..what about this?
My dad ran away when I was a baby, and my mom raised me by herself. But when we are at our weekly ballroom dancing classes she insists it just a phase and that I will grow out of it…..Mama, I’m 34! Most importantly, if I am gay Mama, will God still love me?

Squeaky Clean in West Hollywood

My Dearest Squeaky Clean,

Since your Mom must be shy about this, let Mama be the one to break the news to you….honey you are  queer! Now, this is not a problem, you capisce? People are born all kinda ways, you know?  I mean you sound like an ok guy to me. I know you are clean cuz it seems like you shower alot, this is very good. And you are sweet to let your friend Todd sleep over all the time. Is he homeless or just hung, honey? Ha Ha Ha. Oh Mama made an off colored joke at your expense, doll. Hope you’re ok with that, but it was funny right? Ok back to business…. your most important concern. Does God love you anyway? Are you crazy?? Of course God loves you! If he didn’t love you would he have made you so damn handsome? ( Oh, thanks for the picture, baby, it’s on my fridge) So, are we good with this? No worries, have fun, love people,
even if they’re men AND BE SAFE, (if you know what I mean).

Butterfly Kisses,

Mama