Recently, well actually yesterday, I had an epiphany. The kind that makes you uncomfortable and gives you a menacing headache while you are going through having it. It all started in my accounting class. I know what you guys are going to say, “agh, accounting?” Yes, that’s exactly how I was feeling about the whole situation. You see my father has had his own accounting business for the last 30yrs. He’s organized, loves numbers, and has a huge predominantly Latino client base. He loves what he does, and is really good at it. He comes in in the morning with a pep in his step and a huge smile on his face. You would think that perhaps just one once of that excitement for numbers, one drop of that infectious enthusiasm for the accounting business would carry over to his youngest offspring right? This is SO not the case. Much to his disappointment, my brothers are nare do wells, and I’m a creative free spirit that runs the gamut from singer-songwriter to novice pumpkin carver. So who’s left to take over this empire that my father so depends on to carry him into retirement till death do us part?

So as a result of this and many other unexpected turns in my life, I decided well hell let me at least give it a shot. I’ve been working in his office for the last 3-4 yrs just doing front office during tax season (mainly because the money was good and it was just seasonal) so I figured how bad could it really be?

Well the answer to that all came to me last night, right in the middle of my accounting class. My teacher, Jeanne, decided to give us a surprise pre-mid term. Mind you this class is purely for educational purposes and not college accredited so why the midterm? I’m still trying to figure this one out. The midterm was all about journals and ledger posting. I won’t bore you with the logistics, but i will tell you it’s super hard and really tedious. While I was smack dab in the middle of it, blindly shuffling through papers, trying to make it at least appear like I knew what I was doing; a voice came to me…” WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING?”, “WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH THIS?”, “WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME IN THIS CLASS?”. At first I didn’t have an answer or the slightest clue. I’ve always hated accounting and never had the faintest desire to be in the exciting world of numbers. I continued to fight my way through the “fauxterm” gritting my teeth, practically drawing blood. I reminded myself not to take it too seriously! It’s not like this class is for a grade,; it’s not like it defines my intelligence in any way. Then all these other debilitating voices ransacked my mind and much like the riot of April 26, 1992,  I was stuck behind closed doors watching as they looted all the creativity from my free spirited soul. Intense,  I know! I panicked and grew anxious. I started to mess with my eyelashes, and nibble on my nails. A nervous reaction I’ve come to terms with. I recited my mantra, in the hopes that it might calm me. But it didnt. I wanted out, and I wanted out now! The only thing that stopped me from throwing up my cramped up, nibbled up hands was the mere fear of disappointing dear ol’ daddy So I stayed, tapping my foot, watching the clock tick away counting down till the moment I was free to leave. Holding back my tears of animosity, resentment and frustration, I practically flung my papers at my teacher as I ran for the door and open air. Ahh…freedom!

I ran to my car. I threw all my shit in the trunk perhaps too passive aggressively and turned on the ignition and drove. I needed to talk so I bbm’d my mom. Not my biological which I could’ve also done, but my second mom and life/love coach Suzanne. She called back right away. I’m sure she sensed my anxiety through my HELP text because it was definitely there. I began telling her about my night, and the task at hand, about my breakdown and the way it came about. I spilled the proverbial beans about how much I disliked accounting confirming all that she already knew about me. And in particular Suzanne fashion she had foreseen the inevitable conclusion as all the events had culminated around us. See Suzanne has been in my life for the last 10yrs. She knows how I am. She knows what makes me tick. She’s very familiar with my likes and distastes. She knows me and she knows how to talk me down from the many ledges I’ve been privy to throw myself off of on random pre-menstrualoccasions. Ever so slowly I came down fron my imaginary ledge. I noted all the feelings I was still processing. I realized they were only feelings and not my truth. That it was all just a moment, all temporary and that none of this defined me in any way shape or form. I let Suzanne remind that it was ok to not like accounting and ok to discontinue the class if that’s what I felt the need to do. For I then realized as the light bulb went back on and illuminated my inner scalpula that accounting makes me misreble, and you should only do what brings you happiness. Because how could you ever be good at something that makes you unhappy? You’d hate the rest of your days, you’d resent your life, and you’d slowly decay into an empty lifeless soul full of what if’s… Needless to say that woke me up.

After I got off the phone I found it a little easier to breathe, maybe it was the pinot or just the mere bit of fantastical light she shed on the situation.  SHOUT OUT:Thank you Suzanne, I got through another one!  I grew a bit more. It hurt like all hell, but most growing pains do right? Hence the word pain. I did come out of this with something terrific. I came out with a new understanding of what I want to do with myself. And now I can cross accounting off my list of things I might want to at least try. I got the answer to my question “How bad could it really be?”, and the answer is “Pretty god damn bad!”

By Miss Rawk

JT does it again! he had me laughing my arse off this past saturday night….check out this one called “The Surgery Center”

There are pluses and minus to growing older. I think the key word for right now is “growing”. We don’t come out of the womb with a handbook so our parents rear us to the best of the ability. We grow through terrible two’s, then three’s and then our memories kick in. We remember random occasions with family and friends we no longer talk too, we also learn how to walk, talk, read, and be. All of this we do unconsciously not knowing or being fully aware of the effect all of these experiences are having on us and our psyche. We get sent off to school where we learn social skills amongst other curricular activity, and here we learn how to deal with different personality types, listen to authority, i.e. teachers, and manipulate situations to get what we want.

 I used to work with kids and it always floored me to see how kids at such a young age know what buttons to push and what to say to get away with murder, little sociopaths. And you have to sit back and ask yourself where does this come from?

I grew up in a single family home with my mother and was pretty much a latchkey kid. we lived in a bad neighborhood so i wasnt allowed to play outside. i didnt have many friends, so i watched t.v. , and made things with my hands. i had all sorts of arts and crafts always around. i even made little outfits for my barbies. i sang, i liked to sing so i listened to the radio ALOT, and sang to my barbies and my cat, i was pretty much a loner and lived in my own little loner world. i learned how to be ok by myself, maybe a little too ok…lol and I believed i’ve carried that into adult hood. This whole independent loner thing. a definite plus, but if i’m not careful it can easily grow into a minus.

Lesson #1. Learn to be ok by urself…all aloners

I, of course continued on to jr. high and high school, slowly breaking out of my shell, gathering more and more friends and acquaintances under my belt. It got even worse when i changed schools, and went to a public high school, I was all about my friends and my social network, I could care less about school and grades, all I wanted to do was have fun. Idid ok in school, mainly because I had my dad riding my arse. Ididnt take school seriously, I really had no reason to, I had no direction, no one paying attention to what I was good at, no one explaining to me why I should do better in school and how much it would effect my future. I guess I just had me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about it, well not anymore, now with age, cuz that’s what this how article’s about, I understand why I had to go through all this, why I had to learn on my own. If Ihadnt I’d be a totally different person, not better or worse just different. I had no choice but to grow.

Lesson #2. Listen to your folks, they actually know what they’re talking about.

Lesson #3. Finish school, your friends will always be there…trust me

 I did end up going to junior college for a minute. I was going to be a elementary school teacher, but I dropped out for my first love music. I’m not a particularly amazing vocalist but I can hold a note. I’m not a fantastic writer but I get lucky sometimes with a great hook and melody. So I dropped out to pursue my dream, even though I was warned not to do it. My pops wanted me to finish at least my AA, but i had bigger and loftier dreams in mind. And when ur young anything seems possible and no one knows better then you about what your going to do with your life. Well i guess i had proved them wrong at this point, i had a record deal not less then a year later. i was convinced that this was it, i was going to be rich and famous, or so i thought. Ahh the lofty aspirations of youth…

Lesson #4. Follow ur dreams but have a back-up (reality is that if ur still living at home you can sing, act, start a biz, whatev it is and go to school, so just do it)

Lesson #5. Focus- (still one of my main issues but I’m working on it;-) )

The record thing didnt work out, and after many other failed attempts, i tried other things. I definitely learned about failure, about trial and error and about character. I learned from it all though. I learned about myself as an artist, actress, personal trainer, writer, door host, daughter, sister, friend and aunt. I grew.

Lesson #6. If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again!!!! and again!!!! and again!!!

Lesson #7. don’t be afraid to ask for things…like help. (the worst you can hear is NO…)

Lesson #8. Take initiative, if you dont do it no one else will…trust me i know this one!

Now I’m 30, yes, super old in the LA sense of things but relatively young compared to the rest of the world and I finally believe I have a better grasp and understanding of the world through my eyes. I’ve decided to go back to school to finish my degree. I’ve changed my mind about going into business with my pops, turned what I once saw as a negative, a loss of financial freedom, and turned it into a positive, a learning of new things, possibly for MM in the future. Hey we all need to account for something right? i look at it this way…all the things I’ve learned have a purpose, all the things I’m doing will serve it’s purpose now or in the future. We are never too old to learn something new. That’s life. We are here on this earth to learn, to grow, to create, to move and to be moved. So if you’re not learning from your mistakes or others mistakes, or if you find yourself doing the same repetitious things, then maybe you should try or do something different and new, see things in a different light, pay more attention to what your doing right, or your perception of what is right for you.

Lesson #9. Never be afraid to learn something new, never let fear hold you back!

Cuz I must say the older I get the brighter the future seems, Shiat, YOu should see what it looks like from here…Bright as shit. N i would”ve never been able to have been here without my past….I keep u plugged into my present!

Lesson #10. Life is truly what we make of it… so make it something f’n great!!!

LUY You ALL

MIss Roq

They’re back bitches!! No Doubt performed “Spiderwebs” on the Today Show this morning and rocked that shit as usual.. The tour which starts tomorrow in Atlantic City should be amazing! Miss Roq and myself have been ND fans since High School and can’t wait to see them tear up the stage!! Go to www.nodoubt.com/events for concert dates and to buy tickets!!

xo,

Miss Jaz