There seems to be a recurrent theme going on in my life lately. This theme is change. It’s never easy, it’s almost always scary, and for the most part necessary -very necessary. In order for one to keep growing and changing we need to be constantly evolving, no matter how hard that sometimes can be. They are not called growing pains for nothing. I realized it this weekend when i had a mishap with my most recent ex. I figured I’d share this with you if not anything just to shed some light on this situation. and to help walk me through it as well. To make a long story short, a whole lot of mess happened. I interpreted it (in perhaps the wrong way or not depending on who’s side ur on), then i proceeded to take it to an extreme, kicking and fighting all the way, and for what?
To get me riled up? Just for me to realize that he moved on and i wasn’t ready for him to? Like he should, but ouch it hurt! i can’t really articulate why. A whole host of feelings went up and down around me, and it made me nauseous just like a choppy boat ride. i was upset that he had moved on, i was confused as to y i felt like this. Either because I still wasn’t ready to myself, or maybe because i had been so wrapped up in other aspects of my life that i hadn’t given it much thought. i didn’t even want to be with anyone else. The thought of being intimate with a stranger became repugnant to me. i was still occupied licking my wounds. So how could he be moving on so quickly? None the less he was moving on, and i had my heels dug firmly in the ground. So what did this mean for me? For one i had to think about why all these feelings came up so suddenly? maybe it was ego, maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was hormones, I think it was a combo of it all. but the situation did make me realize that i had no choice now but to move on and i wasn’t sure how. I had to look at this as a good thing, as something else i could learn and take from this relationship.
See most people do the rebound thing and never fully allow themselves the room and space to heal, believing that this other person can temporarily fill that most recently vacated void, but i don’t believe in hurting someone else to subside or get over your feelings for someone else. some throw themselves into their hobbies or work-i don’t have anything like that as of this very moment, and to be honest ignoring your feelings isn’t healthy either. Others call n vent to as many friends as possible until they’re so twisted and confused that they really don’t know what to do. I know because I used to do that, and now i have this blog and you guys…whoever out there reading and allowing me to vent. i already feel better.
I knew I cared still and always will. I’m not the type to ever totally let go. I’m human for god sakes! I knew that i was hurt, so it must mean that I’m not totally over it, even though i was the one who made the very final decision. I was pretty sure i didn’t want to go back because i was now so focused on my present and future and i was afraid of losing that vision. I was afraid all those other reasons would come back up, the one’s that made us split in the first place. I was afraid I’d lose what he and i had forever, and I’d never find it again. And eventually someone else would have it, and i didn’t want that to happen! I was being completely selfish and knew it! I had to stop it dead in it’s tracks to avoid a mass head on collision with myself, my thoughts and my feelings. What a fucking mess! It should be easier then this right? Wrong…it’s not.
I should’ve sat and thought about it all before I so blindly reacted. I should’ve controlled my feelings and not let them control me instead. All in all-i should’ve known better. After a few conversations, and some torrid back n forth’s , I finally settled into the reality of being ok with being just friends, all right with him moving on. And that before what i thought might be unfathomable circumstance (given past relationships), became a fathomable reality. And now I know I can have him in my life at this very open and honest capacity, because the later would be unimaginable ! (if that’s a word)
I guess what I’m trying to tell you here is…step back from your emotions, don’t allow them to dictate the outcome, because you might end up cutting someone off that doesn’t deserve it, and you’ll be missing out on them as a person and a friend. Communicate with love and respect- ALWAYS! that will get you through the thicke of things. And pay attention and learn from it, Listen. If you missed something and you’re still mad you weren’t present enough, go back and digest, sit with those feelings, until you can better understand, what they are and where they come from. Usually when you step in shit, you end up smelling like roses!!!
With Love!
Miss Rawk
