Music has always been a safehouse for me. A place were I can reflect on my past, present and future. A place where i can express my thoughts and feelings. a place where no one except myself can judge me, a place where i can show my vulnerability and not feel persecuted or over exposed. That’s the main reason i post so much of it on my blog. Artist and songs get to me; lyrics make me feel something, and today i wanna share this with all of you.

A few years back I was in Music school, studying vocals, and keys. i got myself into this Band we named ourselves “December Fades”. In my time there i did alot of research on bands with girl front men sizing up my competition and the only one that i thought would give us a run for our money is the one right here “Paramore”. I dont recall exactly how i came across them, only that i was happy that i did. Haley’s grown up lyrics reached far beyond her age and i could relate to them. I also admired their musicianship and tenacity. i knew in a year from then Paramore would be something to recon with and boy i was right!

Today, Paramore’s third release comes out “Brand new Eyes” , i can’t wait to listen to it and give you my humble opinion, even though I’m more then certain it will be love at first listen! i woke up at 6am, opened my compu and downloaded it, just so i can have 30min with them on my way to school. If you didnt know now you do! here’s Paramore performing cover of the Kings Of Leon, “Use Somebody”, just a little taste of

I am FRUSTRATED! I’m sooo frustrated with sleazy men. I have to vent so i’m going to write about it. Not too long ago an old acquaintance called me on the pretense of having some work for me that i might be interested in doing. Being that any extra work is always good, especially given the state of our economy, i gave him an immediate call back. I had met this dude one night at the door of the spot that i did at the time, we exchanged entrance for a good discount on a couch that i was badly in need of. I havent spoke to him since i received my couches, until months later.
I called him back and he proceeded to tell me about some business opportunity that he needed a pretty woman as a partner to serve as a mouth piece, it all sounded kinda fishy to me like a pyramid marketing scheme, so i declined his invitation for dinner and went about my own business. Then the calls began.
I only entertained him because i admired his persistence and tenacity, he seemed to really want to have me involved in whatever he was trying to sell, at first i thought he was harmless but after i made it a CLEAR point that i wasn’t interested in anything but perhaps doing business with him, he still continued to elude to the fact that he’d be a good man for me. I was like “WTF?” all of a sudden he went from selling his product, or business or whatever to selling himself, and i made it VERY Crystal CLEAR that i WAS NOT INTERESTED. Almost to the very point of being very, very cruel. I’m not into the chocolate, never have been never will be! I’m not being racist, I just have a type and it’s the opposite of dark. And the truth is the way he went about things was all wrong. First all business…let me hook u up, next all “baby this and baby that” let me take you to dinner so we can talk about this, talk about us, i mean who does that? EWW…CREEPY! You don’t even f’n know me. So no more being polite for me. I dont care if i burn bridges, let them burn! i’d rather be respected then liked. I’d rather be a bitch then a door mat!
Do some guys actually think they have to lure girls in on the pretense of a business opportunity? i guess they do (the sad ones anyways) because this isnt the first time this has happened to me. It’s also happened to many of my girlfriends and we’re all fed up. How can a sister get ahead? Riddle me that batman…get ahead without compromising her morals or herself in any matter? Idk anymore, seems like I always hit a stone wall. And i hate being a bitch but i will absolutely be one if the situation deems necessary. Dont fuck with me or manipulate me! I will not be compromised! How’s that one for you?

Anyways, I decided to stop being polite and just stopped answering my telephone. I also deleted his FB.

Eww…creepy…creeperson

So after I sat on this c.d. for a week I’ve come to a consensus….Muse is the fucking shit! In usual Muse style, much like we’ve heard on their last album, Muse finds a unique way of blending the best elements of classical music with it’s massive crescendo’s and arpeggiated chords, and pop music with it’s simplistic structure (verse, hook, verse) and catchy melodies which in turn creates MASSIVE hit songs that send you into anohter place and time. LOVE Them!

I’ve seen these guys in concert a total of 5xz and I hope to see them again this time around. One of the best shows I’ve ever attended. The lead singer is insane, plays everything guitar, bass, synth, and is a classically trained pianist! Check out this video and go in download the c.d. you wont be sorry!
Muse – Uprising

Let me start by saying that i’ve had this c.d. for a long minute now and it hasnt gotten the least bit of old. I had placed a wager with my now ex on what th3 2nd single would be, mainly cuz i’m really good at predicting this shit, i should be an A&R person, seriously. He opted for…i dont remember and i opted for Funhouse, it’s the most playful and most melodic song on the album in my opinion. and i love the visual she paints with her lyrics. Neither one of us won the bet the 2nd single ended up being “Sober”, and “Funhouse” is the 3rd, so what i was one off this time.

I was surprised to see the video this morning, being that MTV n VH1 rarely play videos anymore, so i had to post it for all yall to see. even Mr. Tony Canal from No Doubt plays a cameo. I dont doubt that this video and it’s lyrics mark the tumultuous time Pink has had the last few yrs with her hubby Cory Heart. Their on and off again relationship serves as a beautiful muse in which Pink coins metaphors such as ” This use to be a Funhouse, but now it’s full of evil clown’s” comparing a home which was once a home to both of them full of good memories, and now has turned into a place full of personal demons perhaps. IDK what do u get outta it?
Pink – Funhouse

I dont know wtf is going on in the cosmos but i have been severely suffering from some man-hating energy as of late, and apparently it’s contagious and speading among all my girlfriends as well. First my faith was shaken by an aminovio (that’s espanol for friend/lover), next it was reconfirmed by my ex-boyfriend when he called to ask my a ? reguard his present let’s say “situation”, and finally it was all brought down and topped off after a interesting date with a guy i dated like 3 years ago that of course still proved to be the same guy. Yes the world was trying to tell me something, and she sure as hell was going to make sure i was listening! It’s time for a sa-boy-tical. ( a break or vacation from emotionally immature men who don’t know their mouths from their anus’)
It all began a couple months ago when i received a call from a now ex-aminovio of mine. We had recently decided to take our friendship in a more intimate direction and had been hanging out on the reg for that last few weeks. I knew that i liked him but wasn’t too sure if I could like him more but I was willing to take the risk and the time to find out. We started out as friends so that should have been a great foundation for us to step off of right? Wrong! As we got closer i began to lower my invisible and impenetrable shield-the kind of shield that gets built up over years of heartache and unmeasurable pain- i was finally allowing myself to be, look, and feel vulnerable
I felt like a used BMW that was taken out for a test drive (if you know what i mean) and when he discovered that maybe i didnt handle the curves as nicley as he assumed i would, or perhaps it was i didnt have enough mileage on me or maybe i had TOO much mileage and so he brought me back to the lot and walked away, satisfied with the fact that…well at least now he knows. How stupid could i be? I felt like a fool! I never fall for typical man shenanigans! Maybe i was severely out of practice or perhaps his prep was just to well rehearsed to avoid, but nonetheless i fell into his trap and somehow escaped to a safe place where i could cry and lick my wounds. Yep this one hurt and i bet it’s going to sting for a minute because this time it was a different kind of pain which I, at first, had trouble describing. I couldn’t bring myself to cry cuz it wasnt that kind of pain, it felt like anger a “let me bash your fucking head in!” type anger. The only thing i can compare it to is a betrayal of inner confidences; i told him everything and he in turned used it against me and found his way into my bed as well as my heart. By cooing to me sweet nothings and “one day maybe baby we’ll’s” he single -handily destroyed my faith in men as well as in friendship. FUCK HIM! I’m pissed! It’s likely I’ll one day forgive, but i promise you…I WILL NEVER FORGET! once againi’m here rebuilding my shield with a new tool for my arsenal, “Never trust a wolf in sheep’s clothing, cuz the odd’s are if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it obviously is a COCKSUCKER!”

My bad luck continued on into the month with a surprise text from a guy I used to date awhile ago. We had kept very little contact over the last few years, mainly because he was in a relationship and so was I. I guess he heard the news about me breaking up with my bf and came to hollar. Of course I was trepidations because the last time we dated  he left a really bad taste in my mouth. He was the one who cut things off being a non-committal asshole type and I wasn’t about to fall for the same b.s. but I figured I could a free meal and some company after the last asshole. I went in with lipgloss on, hair in place, and bat in hand, just in case he tried anything funny. The night went as expected. We caught up on the last few years, gossiped about our ex’s and talked about the reasons why we weren’t with them anymore, and we even touched on the fact as to why we didn’t work. (Don’t get me started) All in all it was a decent night, I was prepared to do it again, just for fun this time cuz i really wasn’t looking for anything serious from this dude. I wasnt surprised when he shot me a text that following Friday asking me to come join him at his pool for margarita’s, carne asada, and some sun. I went again cuz why the fuck not, I had nothing interesting on the agenda and I figured “dude” could serve as a nice distraction from my life fro a minute.

I went over, we hung out, drank a bottle of Patron, watched HBO and then i headed home, not a bad day at all. I found out some interesting things about our relationship, things he thought and felt, I also got to throw into my two cents. He also revealed some things about his ex gf, her being psycho, (cuz to men we’re all psycho to them at some point you know) and not right for him, And that he had thought alot about us in that last relationship…blah, blah, blah. I was surprised to hear this coming out of his mouth I can’t lie, but I was definitely weary of it all, and to be honest with you guys I wasnt feeling him like that anymore cuz when i close the door I seal it shut, i’d been over it for a LONG time now.

The next morning started out like many other, I got up ate breakfast, went to the gym, headed to work. I received one of  those day after text from him “I had a nice time last night let’s do it again.” And then my cell rings…restricted number…i pick it up, no answer. It rings again, still no answer. at this point I’m thinking it’s one of those wierd political poll phone calls that sometimes make it through to your cell phone, but the last one she finally spoke….It was he EX GF, she was claiming present GF, i still dont know what to believe, and apparently she was preggers and threatened to come after me, and told me she knew where I lived…etc…wtf? I told her to come get me if it was that serious to her. She acted like i was the one who was pursuing her “man”. WTFE….dont fight over men, they fight over me. I have no need to go after someone else man if their unhappy the go willingly. I got a line waiting, so why would I need HER narcissistic male Not my stlye. I chose not to get into it with her, he obviously wasn’t important to me, so I dropped the dude and his drama like a hot rotten potato. Haven’t heard a peep since. Go figure.

After this last one the SABOYTICAL slowly started to take full effect. I was tired of lying dogs trying to get at the cookie; my school work was suffering, and all these “BOYS” not “MEN” were serving as only a distraction, detracting me from my goals. Money, Power, success, and then men, that’s my motto. I was pretty focused for the next two weeks until “he” came around. And once again I started to go down in a tail spin. This one I had no idea would ever come around, I had been flirting with him harmlessly here and there over the last few months since my break-up, i never really dreamed anything could come of it. He had a gf, and seemed really happy in his relationship, so i had no reason at all to think any different until once again i received a random text. After a ping-pong game of back and forth texting, he revealed his identity and much to my delight it was “HIM”. We made plans to go out that weekend, and yet of course i was apprehensive. I had no idea why the break-up with his gf had occurred so my guard was fully up, but i was still looking forward to finding out more about him as a person. I actually was a bit nervous about situationbecause i wasn’t interested in being someone’s rebound, but in reality you never know the truth and i wasn’t going to assume anything about his past relationship, for all i know it could’ve been over a long time ago, and he stayed out of convenience, i’ve done that before. So with this one i was willing to take the risk, so once more I dived in.

Against my better judgement, i decided to pop the cherry before our date and drop into see him at his place of work, bad idea. Don’t do it! I liken it to the groom seeing the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding, what i’m eluding to is it’s bad luck, cuz it was. It all kinda snowballed from there. The club, my friends, the alcohol, kissing,  and chaos… like a crazy avalanche, the snow overcame me, got all up in face, blinded me and when i woke up 72hrs later i had no idea what really hit me, all i knew was that i was pretty sore, and not in the physical sense. From Friday – Sunday he had literally done a 360 and was back with his ex…see sometimes the pretty one’s get you and all the while i knew better, but i liked this one immediately so i can’t ding myself for trying right?

All in all, all these experiences have led to my SABOYTICAL! No more boy’s for a while, Men perhaps on the occasion, if there are any left out there that i’m attracted too that is. I actually think it’s the universe is doing a damn good job in telling me that there are more urgent and important matters at hand that need to be dealt with like MY LIFE, for example. I’m Back to focusing on me, I’m reacquainted with my vibrator and happy to be staying home, alone with my computer and my creativity. All these bad experiences have left me with something good though, a channel. These men, all the men I loved before have become my great muses to write stories and lyrics about, an inspiration to my writing and music, I will have my way with them, I will use them. I will never let them use  or have their way with me.

Still trying to figure out if I like this one or not, but nonetheless it’s nice to see Mario back on the scene. I just may have missed him but this song caught my attention this morning when i was watching AMTV the last actual video show on MTV. I think this  next year in music should be pretty interesting…or at least I fucking hope!
Break Up

If I think it then HE must be thinking it also…right? I never thought about it that way before not until recently. I’ve always been a pretty confident girl but sometimes my confidence masks insecurity. And MY insecurities like to rear their ugly head when I meet someone I really could potentially like.

When I first meet someone I’m always super confident and in control, as long as I keep an arm’s length away I know I’m safe, or should I say my feelings are safe. So I’ll flirt, I’m pretty good at that I must admit, i could flirt with a rock and get a response. This lours men in and almost always gives them the wrong idea of me as a person, i’m actually kinda prude. Flirting hasn’t/doesn’t always work in my favor. Sometimes it has discouraged future prospects. i promise them that it’s harmless and just part of my personality but i dont always receive the benefit of the doubt. Again a projection, on both our parts.

If interest is reciprocated, depending on the guy, I can usually gauge how it’s going to go. If they are the player-type they’ll try to skip the dating thing and go straight for the panties, I’m not into that U NEED to DATE Me! I’m excellent at dodging those player bullets, but trust…that comes from practice and catching a few bullets to the heart, that’s why keeping your distance is key! A player will show you their colors if you give them a long enough leash. If they aren’t a player, they’ll ask you out on a date, they’ll be attentive to your needs, considerate of your feelings, and all about you. There will be no games. They will reciprocate your text and phone calls, no second guessing if he’s going to call, or if he likes you. Chances are if your asking yourself that question, “He’s just not that into you.” Seriously it’s not brain science.

So Third, after all this is implemented, and I figure out if I really like the guy, and I mean like REALLY like the guy. For me it comes down to a feeling, and that feeling is always accompanied by a nervous stomach, over thinking, over analyzing, and a tingling sensation down below. These are the guy’s that have the potential to get me and knock me out. I’m thinking clearly until we kiss and then I’m a goner, but only if the kiss goes well. My definition of well is well….fireworks and butterflies, cliche I know but it’s like time stands still and you could kiss that person forever and you can’t put your finger on why, what is it about THEM that does that thing to you. It’s almost scary, so you start, or i should say I START to sabotage it. My psyche launches a full scale terrorist attack; I begin to make excuses as to why the relationship is doomed before it even begins for example:

1) He’s too cute for me. They’re must be 500 other women vying for his attention…etc…

This is all poppy cock, because the reality is-since we’re talking about projection- he could be thinking the same thing also, that perhaps I’M too beautiful for him, or that I MIGHT also have tons of men courting me, when the truth is i spend most of my nights at home with my cats doing homework. And now I realize, hey he could be doing nothing also…what a revelation huh…

2) He’s too old or young for me. (In my case it’s usually the later) I think, “Oh he’s going to eventually want someone his own age.” or “He’s too immature for me, he’d never be able to handle all this woman.”

Here he MIGHT be thinking, “I’m not man enough for her.” or “She could do so much better then me, what can I possible teach her.”  and etc.  See it goes both ways

3) The Ex GF is still lingering around. Ya this one’s my fav to use, cuz it’s the easiest to believe.

Chances are he might think that YOUR not done with your EX either. But through all my years of experience in relationships I know that if she/he’s an EX, she/he’s an EX for a reason. I’ve had those tumultuous relationships, the make-up break up scenarios, and i know after a while it’s daunting and tiring. Who wants to be miserable? i’ve learned the difference between bad, cuz i had really bad, and good cuz i’ve had really good, and i know i pick the good one hands down. And the reality here is, if the Ex comes back into the picture then they’re actually doing you a favor, cuz you dont want some one unless they’re done and whole with their past, because there’s obviously a lesson they need to learn for some reason and until they learn that  lesson they cant move onto the next relationship which my be you. This last one might be the perfect stepping stone which makes your relationship a better one cuz of it. So never feel bad, just keep trucking on, and if it’s yours it will come back.

In the end I’ve learned to stop PROJECTING and to START dwelling on the reason WHY it WILL work, instead of all the negativity of why it won’t. Take control of your insecurities, dont let them control you. It’s all real and it’s all made up. So make your “fantasies” a “reality”. Project onto them (men) the good that you see in yourself. Work on bettering yourself, because when you do that you’ll meet someone who’s working on themselves also. Water seeks it’s level so be the kind of woman that you want your man to be. So in short I’m focusing on Projecting…LOVE