Is the grass ever truly greener?
Friday, January 22nd, 2010
I just got off of bbm (blackberry messenger) with a friend of mine and i was inspired to write this blog. The text-versation began with me questioning how his love life was going, and if there were any potential gf prospects. He countered with “I’ve been somewhat dating this chick, but i feel that she’s taking it more serious than i want to…” I can almost always decipher the subtext of this statement. What he’s really saying is..”I’m still searching for that perfect mythical woman, and if i commit to this one for right now I might just miss her.” To help him understand his mixed feelings a bit more, I decided to dig in a little deeper into his psyche to find the core of his real issue.
It was obvious the girl was feeling him. He agreed that she was total wifey material. And to quote him “She has ALL the RIGHT things.” But for some reason unbenounced to him, it wasn’t there for him. I’ve heard this before many times, and more often then not, falling from MY mouth. A perfect example of this comes from the movie “500 Days of Summer”,. I’ve been Summer, and I’ve been dude. It sucks on both sides. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go and rent the movie, art imitating life at it’s best.
Feeling for this poor girl, I asked him why he was still holding on? Why hadn’t he cut her loose if he knew he was having these feelings? He replied, “Well it’s only been a month.” “Only been a month?” I thought to myself, “Wow!” and he had already come to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to work. Then the thought occurred to me, like a beacon of light on a foggy, dark night, and also because I had been thinking about this very thing prior to our text-versation, see woman are more in touch with their feelings. We usually know that we want to be with someone way before they even do. It’s takes men a lot longer to come around, a lot longer to let down their guard, and a lot longer to fall in love. And sometimes a guy will fuck it up or break it off before they even realize this truth. And by then we’re usually over it or have already moved on, just the nature of the beast. Speed up a little and maybe she’ll slow down. And that’s what i shared with him.
He then back tracked and said he wanted to take things slower with her, slam on the brakes to wait to see how things evolved, but every time he pushed, she pulled and her reaching turned him off. So was it her and her feelings for him that scared the ish outta him or was it the thought of “settling” for something and someone he wasn’t sure he wanted that had him perplexed? Yes indeed a sad situation, yet a common one. When we feel someone pulling away we reach for them hoping that if we get a good grasp on them they will stay, never true. Her mistake, I agree, but his mistake for not communicating what was going on with him. I told him to take his time and not to totally pull away, after all he could be sabotaging a great thing.
Men “OPEN UR FUCKING MOUTHS!” FYI, I think many relationships end needlessly due to the lack of honest communication. Give the other person the god damn choice! If you want to date other people then date other people but be honest about it, and don’t get pissed if we do the same. You can’t have your cake and eat it too…know wha i’m sayn? I believe that this type of dishonesty is bred from fear. Fear of losing this person whether you like them or not (not fair), that if you tell them the truth most likely they’ll leave (some will), but i also guarantee that some will stay and wait for you to figure shit out (if they really care), and respect you in the process for giving them the choice by stating the truth.
The conversation then turned to “settling” and what it meant to him and perhaps to other people. He said he felt like his friends had settled and weren’t happy in their current relationships, I called Bullshit! People use the term “settling” way too loosely. I don’t believe people “settle”. I believe they just settle down that’s all. It has a lot to do with timing, maturity, and frame of mind. I do believe that there are deal breakers though, like religion, children, and psychological baggage. There is no such thing as “settling”. Then the question arose…Is the grass truly greener on the other side, or is it more about wanting what we can’t have?
What would happen if we wanted exactly what we had? Wouldn’t our life be easier? We wouldn’t constantly be looking over our shoulder, Nothing would be disposable, not even people. We’re in a constant state of want, that when we finally obtain the object of our desires the rush is gone, the euphoria passes and we’re on to the next, chasing the dragon that never existed in the first place and leaving their carcases behind us. It’s the school of bigger, better, more. We do it with our material possessions, cars, compu’s, clothes, I just can’t believe that we do it with people too. That’s sad. I believe the only way to conquer this tragedy is to go inward. If you’re constantly pursuing something you’re never going to have anything. The grass is never greener on the other side, it’s just…different. We need to learn to love what we got, focus on the great qualities that individual does possess not the lack there of, and then maybe you can enjoy them and be in the moment, and actually allow yourself to fall in love and be loved back! I hope you get through it A! Your a good guy!
