Why has it become SO ok for people to not feel? Why do some people NOT have the common decency to show the same respect you show to them? I’m currently battling with these very questions, questioning my self if I even have a right to feel like this or if it’s even worth it.

Is it wrong that I feel too much? Is it wrong that I express those feelings out loud? Should I hold back and swallow them like bitter little pills and hope and pray that eventually they’ll make me numb inside…like “them”?

You can’t make someone feel something they don’t or treat you with the same respect that you treat them with. I’ve learned that…the hard way but I won’t change. You can’t make someone tell you the truth. You’ll just be disappointed when you catch them in a lie or in my case several lies. You can’t ever be too cautious with your heart. I’ve experimented with both, giving it all and just giving a little, and lost equally. I’m convinced that there is no fucking formula. You can’t win in this game we called “LOVE” but you continue to play hoping and having faith that eventually you do win one day and there in lies the disappointment. But is it better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all? I’m usually an optimist but now I’m leaning towards the later.

Unrequited love…it’s the worst. At least with mutual love you know how that person feels, you’ve gotten a chance to try it out, put it on, and see how it feels and you’ve both come to the conclution through actions or communication that it’s not meant to be, you can go your own ways, you can close that door amicably. But with unrequited love there’s an open wound that never gets closed, answers that you may never have, and the burn continues to burn for what feels like a lifetime. The only thing that one can hope for is that there’s a reason for it all.

I’ve learned over and over again that emotions and feelings scare people especially when they’re not ready for them or when the feelings are unwanted and unreciprocated. I’ve learned that it’s best to not say anything at all because that’s a whole can of worms that doesn’t need opening but I still do it expecting a different result. I have a desperate need to voice my opinion about things and to get on with the “ripping off of the band-aid.” I guess I have a tendency to pick men that are “emotionally unavailable”. I can’t help myself. I have some sort of “emotionally unavailable” magnet and they all flock to me. I must say that I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting them out and quickly dismissing them but every once in a while I get caught slipping.

I’ve also learned that people have agendas and will do almost anything to not have those agendas revealed because the truth is just not as interesting or alluring as the lie and if they actually told the truth you’d be out the door faster then they could finish a sentence. So ya I get it, I’m not dense but COME ON…When will we grow up and be honest with one another? Or is honestly just too boring?

I may never have the answers to these questions so for now I’m just left with “I feel too much!”